A Phoenix Rising From The Ashes

A long time has gone by since the last time I decided to type down what was going on in my life. A lot changed since I decided to stop going after this girl. A lot of women have gone in and out from my life since then, I even believed that one of them was "the one", but I was awfully wrong once again -I guess this is my curse, falling in love just too quickly. It took me almost two years of dating this girl to realize how destructive our relationship turned out to be. I tried to be her super hero and save her from everything but came out being just the villain in our story, the Jenkins and Mr. Hyde and she was the only one that got to see the monster. We both hit rock bottom, but i guess that was what we needed to finally look up and search for the light once more. For such a loving start and a more than fairy tale story it ended up really messy and hurting. 

It took me longer to realize that it wasn't meant to be because, even after we broke up, I fought to keep alive the long extinguished fire only to find myself digging deeper into the abyss. After the blowing point in which I found myself completely broken down to pieces was when I realized how lost I was. Not only in love but in every single aspect in my life. What was I doing? Who am i? This questions echoed in my head like little voices that I just wanted gone. I decided to take a break from everything. Just disappear.  And so I did. I climbed inside my car, turned the cell-phone off and drive myself to nowhere. After hours of people trying to find my whereabouts, they found me finally sleeping and half drunk in a road in the middle of nowhere. As soon as they knocked in my window I jumped into the drivers seat and run for it without leaving a trace. I really didn't wanted to be found out. I wanted to be alone. Just me. And so I kept the rest of the night running from everything; sadly, what I couldn't run from were the voices in my head that kept talking to me. How I was so alone, how everything I ever fought for was falling into peaces just as if nothing ever existed.

But after all, after finding myself in the bottom of the pit, I finally saw the light. I wanted to get out in anyway possible. And so THIS is where I am right now. Climbing up, trying to make up for every single wrong I ever did. Not for anybody, but for myself. This time it is just for me and only me, for my life now and in my future. As I climb up the pit I start building up myself from scratch. As a phoenix rising from the ashes, so am I getting up once again after such a beating. The best part of all is that now I have six shoulders in which I'm sure I can rest on in any moment, whenever I'm feeling down any time soon. Not that I didn't had them before, but now that I can see them I see clearly their hands stretched out for me always. So I'll do my best to not only never loose sight of them again but hold them too whenever they feel the same way. My three best friends.

What's actually curious is that I think I'm falling for one of them and it gives me the chills. Should I or shouldn't I? She is an amazing person and she knows I believe every single aspect of my life. She is a beautiful, successful, funny, tender, kind woman. Well, that and so much more. And me? Well I am a chaos right now and that is what makes me mostly insecure. Right now I would love to be with her and tell her how I feel, but I want to be ready for her. Be the best man I can be. For her. So that's my plan, in the end if it doesn't work out at least this time I will be myself. The best version of me. 

Now what?

A long time has gone by since the last time I decided to type down what was going on in my life. A lot changed since I decided to stop going after this girl. A lot of women have gone in and out from my life since then, I even believed that one of them was "the one", but I was awfully wrong once again -I guess this is my curse, falling in love just too quickly. It took me almost two years of dating this girl to realize how destructive our relationship turned out to be. I tried to be her super hero and save her from everything but came out being just the villain in our story, the Jenkins and Mr. Hyde and she was the only one that got to see the monster. We both hit rock bottom, but i guess that was what we needed to finally look up and search for the light once more. For such a loving start and a more than fairy tale story it ended up really messy and hurting. 

It took me longer to realize that it wasn't meant to be because, even after we broke up, I fought to keep alive the long extinguished fire only to find myself digging deeper into the abyss. After the blowing point in which I found myself completely broken down to pieces was when I realized how lost I was. Not only in love but in every single aspect in my life. What was I doing? Who am i? This questions echoed in my head like little voices that I just wanted gone. 

Is She the One?

Today was one of those days in which you feel absolutely positive about it; maybe it was because I was going to meet with one of the most important persons that I know, her name is Constanza. To be honest I used to be in love with her. Our history goes back to when I was in 8th grade. Back then I had a crush on her, but I was starting a relationship with someone else so it didn’t work out. After that we didn’t talk much and distance grew a lot between us. It wasn’t until two years later that destiny brought us back together. I still remember that day, it was one night I couldn’t sleep for some reason, and well it’s kind of difficult to find something interesting to do when it is 4:00am, so I went to the chat window to see if there was someone online to chat with. It was then when I realized she was still on my contact list and for some reason she was online too. – “Why don’t you talk to her?” – I said to myself in my head –“It has been long since you both talked to each other.” –. I remember we were arguing in a friendly way about why we didn’t talk to each other since 8th grade and we came to an agreement that it was because back then I told her that I was dating with someone, but that it was the fault of both of us we both didn't stayed as friends. We talked – if I’m correct– until almost the dawn. We agreed that we should meet each other some day.

I think Destiny works in a funny way, since I met Constanza two days after that talk in the theater where my sister, Elvia, was going to dance; and so did one of Constanza’s friends. After that, we got closer to each other again. We went out every time that we could, we talked all the time, I thought of her all the time, and for my bad luck I fell in love with her. It was bad luck because, just as I was telling you, Destiny works in a funny way. I liked her a lot but, just like the first time, there was a problem: I was leaving to Germany for a whole year. There are some days I regret of going to Germany, because of what could have happened between Constanza and me, but then I remember the saying “everything happens for a reason”. I still hope to find the good reason, apart from the great experience in another country.

To be honest, the whole year I tried to pull myself together and think before doing something stupid, so that when I got home, we could be together. For my bad luck she fell in love while I was gone. I don’t blame her; I know you don’t get to choose who you feel something for. Sadly I still felt something for her and I couldn't do anything about it.

Anyways, apart from all the love stuff, she told me she is going to go study to another city probably by the end of May, and I would lie if I tell you I’m not sad about that but there is little I can do. Also I know that that’s what she chose for her future and if that makes her happy, I’ll try to look cheerful –even though my heart say that I should try to convince her of staying here, because of the way I still feel about her.

And that brings us to today, where we went to have some coffee at this place called “Mundo Aparte”. We talked about lot of stuff but mostly about how we’ve been doing. I decided to ask her about his ex-boyfriend because I was curious about what had happened between them. I told Constanza once, that she shouldn’t tell me anything about her boyfriend or Dates she had, because of how I felt, so she never said anything – but now I really wanted to know, even though it may had hurt.

She told me EVERYTHING about it; what happened when I left, how she felt about him, the way she treated her, good and bad things about the relationship, etc.. There were some parts where I wanted to tell her to stop because it was hurting, but I decided to hear it until the end. It was until she was finished that I realized that she really liked the guy, I might even say that she loved him. That talk we had made me feel bad for being so selfish since I came back. I wanted to be with her so bad that I never stopped to think about the way she felt. That was when I realized that okay, we had something, but it was now over and she’d moved on. And that I also should move on, I guess. In my way of thinking, I’m not sure if love is like in movies or in TV, that someday you will find that right person for you and realize that it’s meant to be. But I hope, down deep, it will that way. That one day I'll find the perfect girl for me. But, until then, I have to continue with my life.

Bad News

It’s strange how destiny works. Just a few days ago I was so enthusiastic about the things that were to come with this year, but now I’m so cheerless. What happened still have me shocked, when I got the news I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was a really harsh joke some jackass was spreading.

The day started being completely boring. My friends and I were supposed to do a barbecue but the plans got canceled because not everyone could attend. I was really pissed at the moment with everyone – I feel like I’m kind of getting a little bit distant from my close friends and I’m trying to do most of the times reunions, barbecues, movie-nights, bowling, etc. so that doesn’t happens – . So the whole day I watched some films and read a little bit – sitting on the coach the whole day.

When it was about 8 o’clock I went to search for my cell phone. Normally I don’t use it much, and people allege that if I have a phone I should carry it all the times because you never know what can happen nor when. Well, as I was telling you I found my phone and found out I had a message from my best friend, Carabaza, which said “Hey there is going to be a Mass for Oneida today at seven in San Pablo Apostol if you want and can come! Okay take care”. I felt a little bit bad that I couldn’t go because he is my best friend and I should be there to support him, but I told myself that it wasn’t such a big deal and in the end everything would be alright. Fifteen minutes passed after that and a friend of mine, called Hector, phoned me and asked me why I didn’t go to the Mass. I just told him that I haven’t read the message until fifteen minutes earlier and so wouldn’t have made it on time, also I was still on pajamas and not in a mood of going out – now that I think of it I guess I could have gone anyway, even if it was over by then I could have been there to support him, he is indeed my best friend and always aids me when needed. Later I would regret not being there.

I received a call at 11 pm from Hector again; he asked me if the rumors were true, if indeed Oneida had passed away. In that moment I went frozen. My first thought was that it was one of this rumors that start after someone giving wrong some information and leading to a completely different thing – like the game of Telephone, the first person say some sentence or phrase that, after passing through all the people playing the game, ends with a distinct phrase. I told Hector he was crazy, that he may have heard wrong and until he has spoken with Carabaza, he shouldn’t say anything about it. We hanged up and I didn’t know what to do nor what to think – Was it true? Did she really didn’t make it? I told myself it was absurd of me thinking that. I just continued with my thoughts about everything being okay, that it was only a rumor, but somehow I knew something was wrong.

It didn’t take long before I got the news. Hector called me for the third time – and as I normally say the third is the one – and he affirmed our earlier worries, she was indeed gone. I felt this chills running through my spine. I didn’t know what to say and probably if I said anything I’m pretty sure I only said nonsense. Hector, who was by that time with another good friend of mine called Fili, told me that they were going to the house of Carabaza and asked me that if I wanted to come too.

That night we stayed with him for a while. I thought it would be just Hector, Carabaza, me and maybe Narro – Also one of my best friends –; but instead there were at least twenty people there. I felt kind of out of place because most of them knew Oneida pretty well and me, I just had met her once. Let me be honest, I did care about Oneida but what I really care about in that moment was how my friend was doing – I can’t imagine how it feels to be in his shoes, how hard, how unbelievable, and how shocking it would be. So when Hector and I arrived I skipped the “hellos” and everything, and went inside searching for him.

When I got to his room he was sitting by the side of his bed. I was trying to come up with something to say to him. I know I have to be careful of what comes out of my mouth in this kind of situations because you may mess things up. A lot of things passed through my head but the only thing that I was sure that wouldn’t mess things up was just give him a hug and tell him that if he needs anything I would be there. I don’t know if that was enough or not but I didn’t knew what is the right thing to say in that situation. I practically spent the rest of the evening trying to find something I could say but in the end I couldn’t. Narro took me home later that night; he told me he would pick me up next morning for the burial. That night I had the strangest dream I have had in a long time – It gives me the chills when I remember about it. I don’t exactly remember the whole dream, but the part that I remember was Oneida telling me that I have to take care of Carabaza. It felt strange since in the dream I knew she already passed away and it was also kind of weird since we weren’t close to each other. I decided either if it was just my conscience or something else I would try to take care of him.

Next day we went to pick up Thime, Mayra and Marce in our way to the burial. To explain the relationship I have with each one of these girls I just mention could take a while so I will do it quickly; Thime is Narro’s girlfriend and a really great friend who I can trust in almost anything, Mayra is a girl I know since Kindergarten but start being a close friend for just about a year ago, and Marce is the girl I have a crush with since I met her about four months ago.

While we were driving to the burial the atmosphere was neutral, we did talk about some stuff like the music and so on to distract ourselves – or at least that was my reason – from the main reason we were gathered. The whole day I went like in standby mode thinking of what would I do if something happened to someone I love. What would I regret saying to them or what I didn’t say? Would I be sad or angry about that, or even both? Things like that have been floating around my head the whole day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Happy New Year

Change: something we can’t stop nor control. We are constantly changing, and like Ralph W. Emerson said "We change, whether we like it or not". Probably a few years ago I wouldn’t have understood the meaning of these words because my life was mostly the same since I was little, but now I get it since change has been something present in my life for some time now.

Sorry, I forgot introducing myself. My name is Jorge; I’m an eighteen-year old guy who lives in Saltillo. Although it’s the capital of the state, Saltillo is a small, tranquil city. I like it, but it’s – as like to think – a city to live when you want to settle down after getting married and have kids because there isn’t much to do when you are eighteen.

As I was telling you, change is something that has been present in my life for a few years now. It started changing a lot a few years ago, when I finished the 9th grade and went to another school. I know that for a lot of people changing school isn’t a big deal, but for me it was, because I was in the same school since kindergarten– same friends, teachers, facilities, system, janitors, even the watchmen that worked there when I was in kindergarten is still there. The school where I was was founded by my grandmother so I knew everything and everyone there because I used to think someday I would be the principal, but that dream died long ago. To make short the story of the last three years I will just tell you what’s important on them. First, after ending ninth-grade I went to the new school called Universidad Del Valle de Mexico. After six months I changed from a normal class to one where I got half of my classes in English and half of them in Spanish. Then, gone another half year, I went as an exchange student to Germany for a whole year and came back like for five or six months now.

Well, I know those are just places, but – to tell the truth – the people in them are the ones that made me who I am now. That’s why I decided to start writing this, to have a record of my actions and thoughts. And what could be better than starting fresh on a new year?. So this is how it begins or let’s better say, where all unfolds, let's see what 2011 has prepared for me. So, bring it on!